Two good things came out of Germany, the first is their pancakes.

I officially have a favorite dog. I have spent YEARS trying to sort through the many breeds I like, trying to find the ideal. The winner is a German Short Haired Pointer. Dogs 101 on Animal Planet really convinced me. I never paid a lot of attention to pointers for some reason and then I started watching animal planet a while ago and I was in awe. Then they replayed the episode a while later, and I was in awe again. Then I saw another show with one and I was envying everyone and their dog, in such a literal sense. They are a mixture of what I have always wanted in so many different breeds. They have perfect fur length, high energy, great temperament, great health, and Oh my gosh look at that face. I'm about to jump into the picture and go hang out on that dock with him. That is perfection in a fur coat. Check out the paws too.
Oh man.

If I had one of these..

I would never ask for anything else, ever again.

Seriously, you can quote me on that.

Reality Check

I do not like dating. I don't like first dates, I don't like 3rd dates, and I don't like 12th dates.

I hate the awkwardness, I dislike the "dtr" and I hate having my life thrown off. I hate teaching people who I am and explaining petty details. I hate the talk of what comes next and I hate the thought even more. It scares me. To death. But it is something that's there and can't go ignored forever.

I try to live my life with as much routine as possible. There are three things that make me incredibly edgy. A messy room, not working out, and hunger. Hunger is irrelevant because dating usually requires countless meals and ice cream. But dating pulls me away from having the time and energy to work out and clean. Thus making me on edge and definitely throwing off my groove.

Boy that I am dating is fantastic. He has all the qualities that I could ever dream of for a guy. Really I could just go on and on about how great he is.

Here is why I am often referred to as "fickle".

I find a flaw and I am GLUED to that flaw. Ok so the things he has aren't even flaws. They are actually things that most girls *gulp* like. Being touched in any way, shape, or form makes me squirm. I see no reason under the sun why someone ever feels the need to touch me (please note, making out, is not in the touching category). I'm talking the simple arm around me, hand holding, "girl rests head on guys chest" that stuff. I hate it but I don't exactly know how to ask if we can sit on separate ends of the couch without sounding...stand offish and slightly strange.

I also don't like over availability. There is so much to be said for a man that is hard to get. At first I felt a sense of relief that this was so simple and easy but now I am starting to miss my life. The problem is that I simply do not enjoy having someone wait on me. This co-dependent lifestyle is a very hard one to enjoy. I want to do what I want to do. I do not want them to do what I want to do. I have no idea why but as soon as they start to try and impress me and try making me constantly happy, it backfires. I all of the sudden want out. It's like the real manliness has faded or something. I don't really understand that constant wanting to hang out. Don't guys need rest from girls? Don't they want a guys night?

The worst part is that I don't know what to do. I don't want out because it really is great. I have no way to explain this in terms that people with normal relationship skills would understand. It seems like everyone has found what works for them and they stand there scratching their heads to figure out what the heck is going on in mine (news flash, I don't know either). I'm trying to find a way out of being annoyed, every relationship gets like this and I am trying so hard to fight it, but the feeling is constantly coming back.

I found the perfect thing for my life and it's totally throwing me off.

"L" is for the way I stammer.

I heard the L word yesterday. Directed towards me. In between I and you.


So and so was talking to his sister on the phone and at the end she said "love you" and he said "K, bye". So I told him to just say it to her. So he looked at me and said "fine (insert three word phrase here)" only it wasn't his sister he said that to.

I froze.

I thought it back, and I would have meant it had I said it, but I couldn't verbally express it back.

I was frozen so, clearly, I couldn't.

I sat there stammering like an idiot. All I could murmur out was "that was not fair". I'm an idiot , but a rather happy one.

A happy medium

I have been trying to think of something great to write about for a while. I have like nine drafts sitting there, incomplete.

Part of me really wants to rant and rave about the annoyances in my life.

Like I want to complain about the kid that only ever talks to me when he needs a ride or conveniently at 11:00 at night. Last week I expressed my hatred towards mass texts and he told me that I was the only person to ever complain when I got invited to something and that I should grow up. I almost retaliated with "your welcome for giving you rides to work three times this week because you weren't responsible enough to put oil in your car and a ride to the courthouse because your 28 year old self couldn't pay your insurance". Sorry, I know I am quite immature because I simply don't like the impersonalness of being invited to your massive parties with 300 people and every live band in Utah County, which is basically every other 25-27 year old in Utah County. I don't think I have been told to grow up for quite some time, so it was a little new and refreshing to think that all my responsibilities are really nothing.

I also would probably want to complain about my friend that isn't my friend anymore because I wouldn't date him. We would talk every single day and I would go hang out with him pretty frequently until he started hitting on me and I rejected him (I promise it was a very nice, tactful, rejection) and now he doesn't talk to me and if I talk to to him it turns into a pity party of why his life is so miserable because he's short.

I would most likely follow up my rants with how tired I am of cleaning, how annoying it is when people think I am shy and that I can't stand up for myself because of my said "shyness", how obnoxious it is trying to go back to school when the counselor you need to talk to never answers her phone, and the fact that I only have the time to go to the gym about every third day.

I would also complain about my bathroom. I painted it brown a while ago and I seriously do not like it at all. I would rather have the white walls back so that when I stepped in it wasn't like stepping into a chocolate bar of claustrophobia. I even went and bought three little mirrors to go on the wall to make it feel a little bigger and, well, they just reflect the darkness. The color is a great color though.

But I don't want to come across as hostile or cynical so the other part of me wants to be sappy beyond anything and express my gratitude for everything I have in my life.

I would love to talk about my family and that I have a new nephew and how much I love living with Megan. Or how great the friends, that are actual friends, are.

Or I could take the gospel route and go on and on about the blessings it gives me in life and how there really is something to be said about obedience and the power of prayer. I mean seriously people, read your scriptures.

I would also really enjoy talking about the fact that there is a boy with every sort of a legitimacy (can we say returned missionary anyone??). Um, he could me the reason my gym attendance has gone down.

But, the sappy thing...isn't really my thing. So, I technically have nothing to write about.

Rated R for Ridiculous.

Secret Life of the American Teenager started off as a very typical ABC Family show. By typical, I mean slightly bad acting and some serious life lessons we will all take to heart. It's a show about a 15 year old (maybe she was 14 at the time) girl that gets pregnant. You obviously expect the show to be about the hard life of being a teen mom and why you should do everything to prevent that. Which it does, but really, I'd prefer my teenage daughter watch Grey's Anatomy. At least if they are watching a show that has a lot of sex they A. are adults in the show and B. it's much better acting.

I got sucked into the show about half way through the first season. It was some cheesy show created by the same person that does 7th Heaven. Seriously, innocent, right? I thought so. Some teenage girl gets knocked up and has this debate of whether or not to keep the baby. For the sake of having a show, she obviously keeps it. The show continues, slowly but surely, about her sad teenage mom life.

But wait, it isn't sad. The dead beat baby daddy (Ricky) turns around and gets a job to support his son. The mom (Amy) gets a job at the church nursery..conveniently. Her parents get a divorce but her mom is pregnant with her dad's baby so obviously they are slowly falling back into love. Oh and oh so Christian Grace has sex and her dad dies because of it (and by dies I mean he was embarrassed to be on the show so he quit immediately). There are various other actors like Amy's sister Ashley whose best friend is gay because you can't have a show without without someone being gay-thanks for sticking with what's PC, ABC Fam.

That's a hunch of what I have been watching for an hour every Monday night. This show is progressively getting more and more morally...wrong. They always try to get their line in for the teenagers watching like "just because your parents don't talk to you about sex, doesn't mean they don't care" or "Follow your dreams, don't make a decision based off of what your boyfriend thinks you should do". Those are fine. However, let me explain to you what the last episode's punch was.

"Just say Me" rather than "Just say No". I'm going to let you figure out for yourself what that means. Maybe to you it means something different than what the ten girls in the show took it as. See Grace's mom told her that instead of needing a boyfriend for sex there is an alternative way. A way that "lower's blood pressure, relaxes you, and you cannot get an STD or pregnant". I almost threw up on the tv. That was the.entire.episode. I'm really thankful they got the part in there about religion. It went something along these lines: "Yes, we are Christian but we don't follow all the rules, most Christians don't. What matters is that we are good people".

From what I have gathered with this show the lessons to be learned are the following: Sex before marriage is fine-as long as you are not a devout Christian-otherwise your dad will die in a plane crash. 15 year old's cannot abstain. Parents cheating is fine as long as they are honest. And really as long as other people are doing it-it's perfectly fine-whatever it is.

In the mean time, I would advise anyone with teenage daughters to just skip to Desperate Housewives. At least they have consequences for their actions, the religious ones feel guilt rather than justify, and the actors don't look like Bob Saget just fell out of a 1980's TV screen.

Valiant Effort

A few Sundays ago I was invited to go to one of my friends birthday party. He is the kind of person that throws out of control bashes, not simple dinners. I was really hesitant until he pulled the "it's 2010, you were lame last year...you can't be this year too". So, I swallowed every ounce of dignity and I went to this party.

My definition of a party: eating paradise pie from chili's.
This persons definition of a party: inviting 100+ people to a huge house and having a band play. Did I say people? I meant to say strangers.

About an hour into it I noticed a few familiar faces here and there..like my real live Edward that used to work out at my work, a hot volleyball coach from my work, and my brother in laws crazy friend that I have never seen in anything but just overalls at the white trash party.

Getting to the point, in the couple of hours that I was at this party I managed to get asked the same questions 18 times. Where are you from? Where do you work? Where do you live? How do you know who lives here? Are you going to school? What do you want to be? What is your phone number? You live with your sister? How do you like that? Want to come to another party? And then I do the same thing in return-only instead of inviting them to a party I'm like hey...you want to come over and see how cute my nephew is?

So, I left the party feeling pretty good and well socialized. I have since hung out with two of the above mentioned young males and the only thing I have learned thus far is, I will never go to another party. I do not like getting asked the same questions and I do not like recieving the same results of hang outs-congratulations-you have a tv big enough to cause me a headache, choosing Marley and Me to watch doesn't really win you points since you're the 5th person to do this, and your jeans are worth more than my entire tax return.

Needless to say, I put forth my effort to socialize and I found a purpose for attempting to look cute for a day. Now I think I should go back into my routine of what really matters and sit and wait until the one person I want to ask me out-actually does. No effort needed.

You've got 30 minutes

Sunday at church I sat myself in the third row back and about three people's width in. I was sitting by no one. When this kid Adam came in and sat by me...only about two feet away because any closer would have been like he did it intentionally. Adam is the heart throb of the ward, or the silver fox, if you will.

Adam has pretended not to know me in the past so I simply smiled and acted as though we had crossed paths for the first time. I gave him the no teeth smile and head nod.

Priesthood and Relief Society were combined that day in the chapel so I sat in that spot for the whole three hours, Adam left me during Sunday School to go sit in the back row, which caused great concern in my mind. Then came back and sat by me for the last hour. He even offered me his suit coat as he could see I was going into a state of hypothermia. I then thought that maybe we could have a friendship after all. I gave him his coat back at the end and he asked if it kept me warm, I said yes. He said, good because he had been freezing the whole hour.

So, the "lesson" we had during the last block was the bishopric all sat up front and answered questions that people had written and put in a basket during the last few weeks. Being a singles ward, I wouldn't have expected anything more deep than "is it ok for girls to ask guys out?". I think after an hour of being taught how to find our eternal companion, Adam felt a deep obligation to ask any random girl on a date.

We chatted briefly about work, learned that we both are slightly anti-social, and he has a cat. We then proceeded to walk outside where he asked what my work schedule was like. I told him that I worked late every night except for Tuesdays and Fridays I only work until 8. The conversation then went like this:

Him: Ok so after 8 on Tuesday we'll go get ice cream.
Me: (was that a statement?) I have tithing settlement at 8:30 so after that...
Him: I'll go sign up for a time then we can just meet here. See ya.
Me (in an awful state of bewilderment): Ok......

So Adam then goes inside where James asks him if he did the deed. Adam asks James if he saw him pull out his phone, James says no. Adam says then there's your answer.
What the.

I get to the church on Tuesday and when I'm done with settlement, I walk out of the bishops office, relieved to see Adam still there due to the fact that I wasn't sure if Sunday had really happened or not. I then stand there awkwardly waiting for Adam to show any indication that we are actually going to go out. He stands up says "see ya" to James and the bishop and starts walking away. Or, sprinting, if you will. I took that as my cue and scurried along after him. He then asked if I wanted hot chocolate or Ice cream, this was the only point during the last two days that I actually knew we were indeed going to go somewhere together.

We went to Starbucks and got hot chocolate around 8:45. James texted me at 9 saying that if we aren't done too late to see if he was still at the church and tell him how it went. By 9:15 I was back at the church. When I was getting out of Adam's car he asked for a side hug, since we were still in the car, told me thank you, and said he will see me in a few weeks at church.

He gave me no expectations for any sort of date....or errand....in the future. Yet, I feel no sense of rejection. I think I just got out gamed.