I hate the awkwardness, I dislike the "dtr" and I hate having my life thrown off. I hate teaching people who I am and explaining petty details. I hate the talk of what comes next and I hate the thought even more. It scares me. To death. But it is something that's there and can't go ignored forever.
I try to live my life with as much routine as possible. There are three things that make me incredibly edgy. A messy room, not working out, and hunger. Hunger is irrelevant because dating usually requires countless meals and ice cream. But dating pulls me away from having the time and energy to work out and clean. Thus making me on edge and definitely throwing off my groove.
Boy that I am dating is fantastic. He has all the qualities that I could ever dream of for a guy. Really I could just go on and on about how great he is.
Here is why I am often referred to as "fickle".
I find a flaw and I am GLUED to that flaw. Ok so the things he has aren't even flaws. They are actually things that most girls *gulp* like. Being touched in any way, shape, or form makes me squirm. I see no reason under the sun why someone ever feels the need to touch me (please note, making out, is not in the touching category). I'm talking the simple arm around me, hand holding, "girl rests head on guys chest" that stuff. I hate it but I don't exactly know how to ask if we can sit on separate ends of the couch without sounding...stand offish and slightly strange.
I also don't like over availability. There is so much to be said for a man that is hard to get. At first I felt a sense of relief that this was so simple and easy but now I am starting to miss my life. The problem is that I simply do not enjoy having someone wait on me. This co-dependent lifestyle is a very hard one to enjoy. I want to do what I want to do. I do not want them to do what I want to do. I have no idea why but as soon as they start to try and impress me and try making me constantly happy, it backfires. I all of the sudden want out. It's like the real manliness has faded or something. I don't really understand that constant wanting to hang out. Don't guys need rest from girls? Don't they want a guys night?
The worst part is that I don't know what to do. I don't want out because it really is great. I have no way to explain this in terms that people with normal relationship skills would understand. It seems like everyone has found what works for them and they stand there scratching their heads to figure out what the heck is going on in mine (news flash, I don't know either). I'm trying to find a way out of being annoyed, every relationship gets like this and I am trying so hard to fight it, but the feeling is constantly coming back.
I found the perfect thing for my life and it's totally throwing me off.
2 comments:
well i dont know how to solve that :) BUT i am kind of the same when it comes to touchiness. I'm not a cuddler. Holding hands while walking is fine, but sitting.. no thank you. some people just dont understand. They think you should always be touching if you're in like or in love. I disagree.
just give it to him straight. " I like you but i dont want to touch you". done.
i agree with janica. voice your thoughts. and i so entirely agree about wanting to do things by yourself. ugh if cory was clingy, i would die. voice your opinion. in a loving "i want what's best for you and you need your friends and your friends need you and i need your friends to like me and if i always steal you away they won't like me" kind of way.
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