Two good things came out of Germany, the first is their pancakes.

I officially have a favorite dog. I have spent YEARS trying to sort through the many breeds I like, trying to find the ideal. The winner is a German Short Haired Pointer. Dogs 101 on Animal Planet really convinced me. I never paid a lot of attention to pointers for some reason and then I started watching animal planet a while ago and I was in awe. Then they replayed the episode a while later, and I was in awe again. Then I saw another show with one and I was envying everyone and their dog, in such a literal sense. They are a mixture of what I have always wanted in so many different breeds. They have perfect fur length, high energy, great temperament, great health, and Oh my gosh look at that face. I'm about to jump into the picture and go hang out on that dock with him. That is perfection in a fur coat. Check out the paws too.
Oh man.

If I had one of these..

I would never ask for anything else, ever again.

Seriously, you can quote me on that.

Reality Check

I do not like dating. I don't like first dates, I don't like 3rd dates, and I don't like 12th dates.

I hate the awkwardness, I dislike the "dtr" and I hate having my life thrown off. I hate teaching people who I am and explaining petty details. I hate the talk of what comes next and I hate the thought even more. It scares me. To death. But it is something that's there and can't go ignored forever.

I try to live my life with as much routine as possible. There are three things that make me incredibly edgy. A messy room, not working out, and hunger. Hunger is irrelevant because dating usually requires countless meals and ice cream. But dating pulls me away from having the time and energy to work out and clean. Thus making me on edge and definitely throwing off my groove.

Boy that I am dating is fantastic. He has all the qualities that I could ever dream of for a guy. Really I could just go on and on about how great he is.

Here is why I am often referred to as "fickle".

I find a flaw and I am GLUED to that flaw. Ok so the things he has aren't even flaws. They are actually things that most girls *gulp* like. Being touched in any way, shape, or form makes me squirm. I see no reason under the sun why someone ever feels the need to touch me (please note, making out, is not in the touching category). I'm talking the simple arm around me, hand holding, "girl rests head on guys chest" that stuff. I hate it but I don't exactly know how to ask if we can sit on separate ends of the couch without sounding...stand offish and slightly strange.

I also don't like over availability. There is so much to be said for a man that is hard to get. At first I felt a sense of relief that this was so simple and easy but now I am starting to miss my life. The problem is that I simply do not enjoy having someone wait on me. This co-dependent lifestyle is a very hard one to enjoy. I want to do what I want to do. I do not want them to do what I want to do. I have no idea why but as soon as they start to try and impress me and try making me constantly happy, it backfires. I all of the sudden want out. It's like the real manliness has faded or something. I don't really understand that constant wanting to hang out. Don't guys need rest from girls? Don't they want a guys night?

The worst part is that I don't know what to do. I don't want out because it really is great. I have no way to explain this in terms that people with normal relationship skills would understand. It seems like everyone has found what works for them and they stand there scratching their heads to figure out what the heck is going on in mine (news flash, I don't know either). I'm trying to find a way out of being annoyed, every relationship gets like this and I am trying so hard to fight it, but the feeling is constantly coming back.

I found the perfect thing for my life and it's totally throwing me off.

"L" is for the way I stammer.

I heard the L word yesterday. Directed towards me. In between I and you.


So and so was talking to his sister on the phone and at the end she said "love you" and he said "K, bye". So I told him to just say it to her. So he looked at me and said "fine (insert three word phrase here)" only it wasn't his sister he said that to.

I froze.

I thought it back, and I would have meant it had I said it, but I couldn't verbally express it back.

I was frozen so, clearly, I couldn't.

I sat there stammering like an idiot. All I could murmur out was "that was not fair". I'm an idiot , but a rather happy one.

A happy medium

I have been trying to think of something great to write about for a while. I have like nine drafts sitting there, incomplete.

Part of me really wants to rant and rave about the annoyances in my life.

Like I want to complain about the kid that only ever talks to me when he needs a ride or conveniently at 11:00 at night. Last week I expressed my hatred towards mass texts and he told me that I was the only person to ever complain when I got invited to something and that I should grow up. I almost retaliated with "your welcome for giving you rides to work three times this week because you weren't responsible enough to put oil in your car and a ride to the courthouse because your 28 year old self couldn't pay your insurance". Sorry, I know I am quite immature because I simply don't like the impersonalness of being invited to your massive parties with 300 people and every live band in Utah County, which is basically every other 25-27 year old in Utah County. I don't think I have been told to grow up for quite some time, so it was a little new and refreshing to think that all my responsibilities are really nothing.

I also would probably want to complain about my friend that isn't my friend anymore because I wouldn't date him. We would talk every single day and I would go hang out with him pretty frequently until he started hitting on me and I rejected him (I promise it was a very nice, tactful, rejection) and now he doesn't talk to me and if I talk to to him it turns into a pity party of why his life is so miserable because he's short.

I would most likely follow up my rants with how tired I am of cleaning, how annoying it is when people think I am shy and that I can't stand up for myself because of my said "shyness", how obnoxious it is trying to go back to school when the counselor you need to talk to never answers her phone, and the fact that I only have the time to go to the gym about every third day.

I would also complain about my bathroom. I painted it brown a while ago and I seriously do not like it at all. I would rather have the white walls back so that when I stepped in it wasn't like stepping into a chocolate bar of claustrophobia. I even went and bought three little mirrors to go on the wall to make it feel a little bigger and, well, they just reflect the darkness. The color is a great color though.

But I don't want to come across as hostile or cynical so the other part of me wants to be sappy beyond anything and express my gratitude for everything I have in my life.

I would love to talk about my family and that I have a new nephew and how much I love living with Megan. Or how great the friends, that are actual friends, are.

Or I could take the gospel route and go on and on about the blessings it gives me in life and how there really is something to be said about obedience and the power of prayer. I mean seriously people, read your scriptures.

I would also really enjoy talking about the fact that there is a boy with every sort of a legitimacy (can we say returned missionary anyone??). Um, he could me the reason my gym attendance has gone down.

But, the sappy thing...isn't really my thing. So, I technically have nothing to write about.