Green with envy

Why is it so difficult to be happy for people but so easy to be jealous?

I didn't exactly love my high school life. I have always been a bit of a friend hopper, I had one friend from every group of people you can imagine and so I would kind of hang out here and there but never had a set group to call my besties. I thought for so long that my life was terrible and everyone else had a life of bliss.

I would killed to have had a better car, better job, and some real friends. I looked at all the people that I thought had it made and I had a hard time liking them because I was so incredibly jealous of their lives. I felt like everyone saw my life the way I did, but as insecure as I was about myself I always wonder if anyone looked at my life and saw things that I had that they didn't, that I took for granted or didn't notice because to me it was no big deal.

It wasn't until about a year ago that I started to realize I lived the life I envied so much. I have the better car, I have the better job, and I definitely have the better friends. Even though I still am a definite friend hopper, I don't feel out of place in every group that I hang out with.

But now I look around and I can't help but to get jealous. I'm jealous of the people that are broke because they are going to school. I am jealous of the people that literally have no time in their day because they are going from school to work to homework. I'm jealous of the people that have stability. I'm jealous of people that say they don't have time for TV (kind of).

I'm jealous of the people with a plan and that know where they are going.

But every so often someone will come along and tell me how much they envy my life. They are jealous that I have so much time in my day and I can do whatever I want at my own discretion. I have had people tell me they are jealous of my freedom or the relationship me and my sister are able to have or the fact that I get to live with my nephew.

Admittedly, it is nice to have the life I do. Contrary to my father's "life is not a party" speech...or lecture rather, some points in life are most definitely a party.

I always wonder if people look at other people's lives the same way I do. I see everyone's successes and progress and their struggles. But their struggles all seem to have a purpose. They have to spend their money on school, they don't have enough time in their day because they are too busy trying to achieve their goals, or they don't know if they should buy a house or continue renting until grad school is finished. It's all part of their plan to move forward with life and become something. I'm so jealous of these people.

My struggles seem so minute. The only thing I can muster up complaining about is the square shaped polo I have to wear to work and that my free dinner of the week was a bust. Or that I don't have a puppy, but that's legit.

But like I said, often people will tell me how jealous they are because I am so lucky. I'm so lucky I get to live where I do. I'm so lucky I have such a good job. I'm so lucky I get to see my nephew everyday. I'm so lucky to have a good car. So lucky to have unlimited options on what to do with my time.

(Cliche moment) That is all true, although I prefer the word "blessed" over "lucky", I am definitely one of the two. Or possibly both.

But I still can't help but to observe the lives around me and wish for the stability they have or the exciting things that are happening in their lives, as I sit at the same computer I've been at for almost three years, wondering where my success is hiding.

As I sit here, I realize that I have been complaining about things I wish I had to complain about. I have hit a new low. You should all be jealous.